Grace

08/13/2025

I spent my 30s having babies and breast-feeding. Hahahaha. Have you seen those reels where a mom shows each year that she was pregnant, and the kid that was cooking during those years pops out behind her? Lol Well, mine would be 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2021, 2022, and 2023. 

My youngest baby is 2 now 😩. She’s such a big girl.

But this is not about her yet. This is for my first born. My baby boy, now a big boy. My boy is 10-years-old! Why am I tearing up already? OMG! He is the one that made me a mom. My sweet boy. I really can’t believe he’s 10 already, and such an amazing person. 

So when my loveband and I were in high school, one of us (probably me)made this little clay boy. Big, brown, round head, red shirt, blue pants, and white shoes. Why did I have clay or playdough? I have no idea, but I named him J.J. 

So, when we found out that we were preggers, and it was going to be a boy, I just had to name him something that would allow us to call him J.J. My loveband didn’t want another John, so John Jr. was out of the picture real quick. I scoured the internets for months for meaningful boy names that sounded good.  

During the pregnancy with my first born, I was strong and healthy. I remember the first symptom I had. We had planned breakfast and a hike at Camelback Mountain for my loveband’s birthday. I ordered, I think, biscuits and gravy, and I guess that came with eggs as well? Because the eggs made me nauseous. I had never been that nauseous so suddenly. I got that watery feeling in my mouth in the middle of this restaurant at the table with like, maybe 8-ish people? I got up quickly, found the ladies room (I hate public restrooms), and stood face over the toilet waiting for something to come up. Nothing ever did. And then I proceeded to hike up Camelback Mountain with our friends! (If you know, you know.)

It’s funny, because at the moment, it didn’t even cross my mind that this experience was my first indication that I was pregnant even though we had been trying. It wasn’t until probably the next week that we realized we were going to welcome our first child into the world. AND THEN it dawned on me that I almost released my biscuits, gravy, and eggs because I was experiencing morning (a.k.a. all day) sickness. (It also turns out that I have a mild allergy to egg whites. It becomes exacerbated during pregnancy, and explains why I have ALWAYS been super picky with my eggs.)

So, I do all the things typical women of the U.S. do–find an OBGYN, go to all the appointments, get all the shots, get all the ultrasounds. And while watching one of my favorite shows, Grey’s Anatomy, we jokingly say that we can name our boy Jackson, after one of the characters. I looked up the meaning of Jackson and Oh! It was perfect! My loveband’s name means God is gracious. And Jackson means God has been gracious. So, even though he isn’t a junior, he is still his father’s namesake because they speak of God’s grace. Grace-undeserved/unearned favor. 

And boy, oh boy, how I have learned about grace on this parenting journey! We, as parents, show all the grace to our babies, the little clean slates. Then they get to walking and talking, and the grace often goes out the window. My Jackson was whoooo! Something! 18 months and something in him changed! We had a time with this one. I won’t get into all the details, but God knows that I needed to learn how to give grace (which I wish I learned earlier on). I needed to show grace to my growing boy because he was just a growing toddler. Learning about the world around him. Separated from mommy and daddy for most of the day, 5 days a week from a very, very young age. If I could do it all over again, I most certainly would change a few things. Quite a few things. 

I also needed to show grace to myself. I was a new mom, and didn't know what I didn’t know. I only knew the world of education and classroom management. Home isn’t a classroom, and shouldn’t be managed like one. One’s own child isn’t a student in our traditional sense, and shouldn’t be treated as one. 

When I became a stay-at-home mom, I realized just how much I missed out on. I was working, Jackson was in daycare, and then school. There is so much of his life that I missed out on. I wish so much that I had chosen to stay home with him too. Held on to him longer. My baby needed me. I didn’t understand why my sweet baby turned into this emotional, overly physical toddler. He needed his mommy. He needed my gentle touch, my sweet words, my comforting hugs. He didn’t need the crowd and inattention at daycare and preschool. He needed his mommy and daddy. 

I always think, maybe if I’d had the chance to be with him more, he would have learned more quickly how to reign in his big emotions. Maybe he would this. Maybe he would that. And I’m not bashing myself for making the choices that I did those 10 years ago. I just want my kids to know the deep love of their family. I want them to grow up being best friends who take care of each other. I don’t want them to ever feel lonely. Mothering my children is the most important job I have right now, and I would encourage any woman, if at all possible, to find a way to be home with her babies. Be their first teacher. Watch the beautiful progression of their tummy time, to pushing up, to scooting, crawling, cruising, and walking. Catch their every first word. See their personalities come to life. Show them grace. Show yourself grace. 

We never know what we don’t know. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now, I show myself grace, and move forward with what God has taught me over these past 10 years. 

So to my son, my first born, my Jackson (God has been gracious) Jorel (House of God), whenever you get to read this, the story of your name, and how you changed my life, know that I love every minute of your life. I love every minute of your life because it has taught me about God’s grace. I know I joke with you about what you were like as a toddler and preschooler, but you know? I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know I just said I would do things differently, but I wouldn’t change YOU for the world. You are fearfully and wonderfully created by the sovereign God, our Father. Your mind is amazing. Your curiosity, dedication, and compulsion to nurture the people and things you love are beautiful. I pray that God continues to grow you in grace. I pray he continues to show you how to be gracious as he is. I pray you grow to understand how gracious God has been and will be to you. I pray that I become more and more gracious toward you each day. 

Grow in grace, my boy. 💙