Rats

10/01/2025

I had a dream many summers ago. I was in a doctor’s office, laying on a bed/table getting some sort of live x-ray. To my left was a large screen where I could see what was inside my body. There were rats crawling around. They weren’t the cutesy little rats that we conditioned in psychology class. They were the big, nasty rats you might imagine finding in a sewer somewhere. And there were lots of them. 

When I woke up from this dream, I immediately knew exactly what it was about. It had been months, by that time, that I was getting into something that I most certainly knew I shouldn’t have been getting into. God, in his grace, was sending me a message.

Those rats were eating me from the inside out. Their filth, rotting my soul. If I continued what I was doing, it would just eat away at me. It would kill my soul. Now that I am thinking about it, that is exactly what it did. For years, the events of that summer haunted me. It affected my self-esteem, self-worth, my relationship with God and too many of the people I loved. I fell. I ran. 

Running away is what the Biblical Jonah did. The Bible story of Jonah and a book study about peace is what reminded me of this dream. God gave Jonah a task he didn’t want to do, so he ran. I ran for different reasons, but I still ran. I ran because of shame and embarrassment. I ran because of heart ache and betrayal. I ran from a community that I had been a part of my whole life, and found comfort in a community where I could hide behind the silence of my secrets. 

“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?” (Psalm 149:7, Bible, New King James Version.) 

The crazy thing is, through all this time that I was hiding and fleeing from God, he was right there with me. By the end of that summer, I had repented and had this pretty amazing encounter with God. You hear about Biblical figures laying prostrate before God. That is what I felt I needed to do. I was in the room of my apartment, laying face down next to my bed, crying out to God for forgiveness. Suddenly, I felt this weight lifting off of my back. It “looked” like a cloud, or puff of air lifted, and then was gone. I had never experienced God’s forgiveness like that before, but it was absolutely beautiful, and I had peace. 

I had found peace with God, but it took a while longer to find peace with people involved, and peace with myself. I kept trying to figure out how I could forgive myself for being so selfish, destructive, and naive. It wasn’t until years later (after moving to Arizona) that I learned something that was key to my journey. I attended a church small group that was doing a book study– “Uncluttered Faith” by Erik Landvik. At some point, I felt comfortable enough to ask my questions. How do I forgive myself? I know God has forgiven me, the people I hurt have forgiven me, but I can’t let go of this guilt and shame. One of the people said, “God does not require you to forgive yourself.” That did it for me. What I actually needed to do was accept myself, my humanity, and my imperfection.  

Standing in that imperfection took so much pressure off, just like God’s forgiveness took that weight off of me. He doesn’t expect us to just be these perfect little soldiers following orders on our own. He only wants us to know/understand him, to trust him, and allow him to transform us from the inside out. We will never be perfect. I will never be perfect, but I can trust that God will guide me as long as I continue to keep my mind on him. I believe that he is teaching me, every day, how to love better, how to live better. 

During that summer years ago (and also in other moments) I wasn’t acting out of love for anyone. Love is not self-seeking, and I was only self-seeking during those moments. 

But God! (You have to say that in the preacher voice lol.) But God!

He was with me through it all. When I wanted to walk away from him, he walked with me. When I turned my eyes away from him, he waited for me. When I began to doubt who he was, he reminded me. I had experienced his presence, and witnessed his miracles too many times for me to deny that the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is the God of this universe. 

This is forgiveness. This is what Jesus’ death and resurrection are all about. My sins deserved so much more than what I got, but God showed me his mercy. Even when I was still acting out, this dream was his grace calling me back into his loving arms! He forgave me as I broke down, when all I could offer was my tears on the floor.

I am so grateful for his love, so thankful for his forgiveness. I am so amazed that this all-powerful being would see me as I was, as I am, and how I will be, and still love me enough to offer his forgiveness. 

I don’t feel the rats anymore. I feel his peace. 🕊️