So Grateful

07/23/2025

My loveband thinks I may have had postpartum depression some years ago. It was after my little genius was born. 

I remember the day my parents were leaving. They had come to meet their new grandson, their youngest child’s first child. It was so good to have them there. I always get a little sad when a much-anticipated visit gets close to coming to an end. But this time, it was fear-inducing, overwhelming. The thought of not having my mommy there to help me become a mommy was so difficult. I was so scared. I had this little newborn who had come three weeks and six days earlier than expected. I was recovering from a cesarean, still in quite a bit of pain. And my mommy had to go back to her home across the country. 

During that time, my loveband and I had very little family out in Arizona with us. Sure, we had people who cared about us at our church, and we had a close friend group, a few good people who I considered sisters and brothers. But nothing beats having your blood family nearby, the people who raised you. The people who know your ins and outs, what makes you tick. It was going to be me, John, and my tiny little son. 

Geez, I didn’t even know how much I needed to process this. I feel sad for the person I was back then. I felt so alone. I absolutely hate saying that because I had and still have a wonderful husband who has always been there for me in all the ways he knows how and all the ways I express that I need him. But how could I have told him my true needs if I didn’t even know what I needed? 

But, I tell you, God is so good. He is so, so, so good. I was also going through a time of spiritual transformation. Deconstruction? Maybe. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to follow God anymore. I knew he was real. I still believed in Jesus, but there was so much I needed to let go of and relearn. The God I knew (thought I knew) growing up in Inglewood and Hawthorne was no longer sufficient, so I had to let go of a lot. I didn’t have much desire to go to church anymore (even though I still went and still served where I could). I wasn’t praying, wasn’t reading the Bible on my own. I had, in a lot of ways, turned my back on God. 

But, again, God is so, so good. He carried me through all of this. There is this picture that is pretty popular in the Christian community. The setting is a beach – ocean, and sand. There are 2 sets of footprints in the sand, and then one of the sets of footprints disappears. They say that’s when Jesus started to carry the other person. Looking back, I certainly feel that. I really relate to that. Jesus carried me through sadness, feelings of loneliness, thoughts that a friend helped me recognize as suicidal ideation. I am so grateful that he brought me through that. 

It reminds me of one of my favorite Bible scriptures. Psalm 23. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul….Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 

My soul has been restored. I still have ups and downs. I am still trying to find some answers, but he is holding me in the palm of His hand. I feel His gentle hand on me when I need comfort. I see his hand over my family, covering us, protecting us, guiding us. My heart is full just thinking about how God has held us. How he has held me. Despite my questioning, and my doubting, which are all a part of life, he has always  been with me. 

I don’t know how many times I can say I am grateful, but I am truly so grateful. God had me when I didn’t want Him, and I am so grateful.