Hiding

07/20/2025

I’m trying to get this thought out, but I am having trouble with my words. There is this thing that happens with my emotions. It’s like when you’re fine, then you get around someone who starts asking about things. Maybe it’s simply, “How are you?” and then you start to think about all the everythings that are going on, and then you get emotional. I hate that. I really do. I was fine and then you had to go and ask me how I’m feeling. Lol It’s silly, but like, I just want to be left to my thoughts sometimes. 

I remember starting college, feeling lonely often, and trying to get to know people. It takes me a while to open up to people, and then I do this thing where I open up a little and then pull back. Well, I was feeling lonely a lot, and also experiencing some culture shock because I went from a predominantly Black and Hispanic community to a predominantly White community. There were lots of feelings surrounding that, exploring what it meant for me to be Black/African-American. I didn’t always want to share that with people, even though it was my truth at the moment. I didn’t like it when I would express something personal, only to have that person bring it back up every time I saw them. I know they were being kind and thoughtful, and I did appreciate it. I just didn’t like the feeling of becoming that one issue. I didn’t want to think about, or talk about it all the time. I wanted to be able to express that feeling and experience, then continue living life, having fun, and getting to know people in other capacities. 

Well, before church today, I began to get emotional. I was irritable, as I usually am when I have to get the whole family ready to leave the house by a certain time. (I think that’s something I inherited lol. I hate that I get so irritable and impatient. It’s not fun being late.) But today, there was something else. When we finally got in the car and started driving to church I realized that I didn’t really want to go. I didn’t want to go in and feel obligated to smile as I answered that notorious question, “How are you?” I didn’t want to feign a smile and say, “Fine!” or, “Okay.” It’s kind of sad that I even felt that way. I do love that my pastors actually gave us permission to be honest in that way though. If you’re not feeling great, then say you aren’t feeling great and that is okay. Let’s be honest about it, give it to God, and continue to serve, or take a break if you need to. 

I basically felt like I was going to burst most of the morning. I’ve been super emotional since Sunday, two weeks ago. I’d just started crying uncontrollably during worship team practice. Now, here I was again trying to sing for Jesus during the actual service, and all I could do was cry. So I just knelt down, cried, and quietly wiped tears until the singing was over. Then I tried to gather myself back up, hide my tears from anyone who hadn’t already seen me on my knees wiping my eyes. Lol. Smh.  

Backing up a little, when I dropped off the girls to their Sunday school class, a very kind heart, and someone I value, did ask me how I was doing. I ended up spewing my woes onto her (and kinda feel bad for that.) But she was so gracious, understanding, and very supportive. I was very grateful for that. It is nice to have people who are willing to pray with and for you. I really am super grateful. 

I always want to hide, though. I want to fade into the background, not be noticed too much, not be too vulnerable. It’s a weird dichotomy. Not wanting a lot of attention, but also wanting depth of relationship with people.

Even back in college, I wanted to hide so much, but when I was open, I found some wonderful people who had my back, who were willing to listen, willing to share, and willing to go out and have some fun! Sure there were a few whom I may have regretted sharing with, but I really do have great memories of beautiful souls with whom I’ve shared various seasons of life. 

Why do I want to hide?

This reminds me of a question that was brought up in a text group a little while ago. It was about hiding from God. Do I hide from God? What parts of life or myself may I be hiding from God? I don’t know right now if I hide anything from God, or if I attempt to at least. I do know that I’ve been spewing my woes to Him. My desperation, my confusion, my desires, my worries. 

“Come to me, all those who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 28:11, Bible, New King James Version)

Well, Lord, I’m here. I come to you. My heart is heavy, my eyes are full. My mind feels weak. Be my strength, Lord. Hold me up. Give me rest. 

I just got this funny visual of my kids. Whenever we pick up the kids from my in-laws’ house, we usually ring the doorbell first, unlock the door, and then head in. When the girls hear that doorbell, they know mommy and daddy are coming, so they find a hiding spot, which is usually on the couch under a blanket, or between where the couch and end table sit at a corner. We walk in, hear all the giggles. Of course, we know where they are. 

Attempting to hide from God is like that. I mean, God is all knowing. He knows us better than we know ourselves. So, even if we are trying to hide from him (knowingly or unknowingly), he knows where we are. He knows who we are. He knows our names. He knows all of our thoughts. 

“O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether,” (Psalm 139:1-4, Bible, New King James Version).